By Tom Demerly for tomdemerly.com
The failure of a classified plan to use a team of specially trained military cats instead of dogs during the classified raid on ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s compound last week has been revealed.
In a social media post copied on Twitter by a reporter from a blog published on Reddit and shared on Facebook then seen on Pinterest, a definitive source revealed that the top secret CIA project, codenamed “Have Hairball”, was cancelled at the last minute when no cats would cooperate with verbal commands.
An unnamed source told CNN through an interpreter via LinkedIn using a group on Reddit who posted to a secret message board told reporters, “The cats did nothing. Most of the day they slept. The project showed initial promise because they were so active at night, but it turns out the most we could hope for was maybe the cats running over al-Bahgdadi’s face while he slept or chewing on his hair. We needed to go with a more ballistic outcome, so we went with the dogs.”
A secret DoD source mentioned that the initial reason some top commanders in the special operations community wanted to go with specially trained military cats instead of dogs was, “The cats were doing what our top reconnaissance spec-ops teams were already doing, they were burying their poop with no training. It was clear from the start that the cats understood the criticality of stealth to the mission. The dogs just wanted to fetch.”
Another classified feature of the plan to use top secret military cats in the al-Baghdadi raid involved using laser pointers to “designate” the founder of ISIS as a target for attack cats. One researcher close to the top secret DARPA development program told us, “The cats would go for anything with a laser on it. If we put a red laser dot on it, the cats hit it. The plan was for the special operators to put their laser designators on al-Baghdadi’s forehead, the cats would do the rest.”
The information about cats being used on the raid was never revealed to the media because, according to sources, “It may compromise ongoing operations”. One high level military insider speaking on condition of anonymity told tomdemerly.com that, “If we ever raid a terrorist sofa factory, we’re going with the cats instead of the dogs. The dogs would just lay on the sofas, the cats would shred the place.”