Monthly Archives: October 2019

By Tom Demerly for

The failure of a classified plan to use a team of specially trained military cats instead of dogs during the classified raid on ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s compound last week has been revealed.

In a social media post copied on Twitter by a reporter from a blog published on Reddit and shared on Facebook then seen on Pinterest, a definitive source revealed that the top secret CIA project, codenamed “Have Hairball”, was cancelled at the last minute when no cats would cooperate with verbal commands.

An unnamed source told CNN through an interpreter via LinkedIn using a group on Reddit who posted to a secret message board told reporters, “The cats did nothing. Most of the day they slept. The project showed initial promise because they were so active at night, but it turns out the most we could hope for was maybe the cats running over al-Bahgdadi’s face while he slept or chewing on his hair. We needed to go with a more ballistic outcome, so we went with the dogs.”

A secret DoD source mentioned that the initial reason some top commanders in the special operations community wanted to go with specially trained military cats instead of dogs was, “The cats were doing what our top reconnaissance spec-ops teams were already doing, they were burying their poop with no training. It was clear from the start that the cats understood the criticality of stealth to the mission. The dogs just wanted to fetch.”

Another classified feature of the plan to use top secret military cats in the al-Baghdadi raid involved using laser pointers to “designate” the founder of ISIS as a target for attack cats. One researcher close to the top secret DARPA development program told us, “The cats would go for anything with a laser on it. If we put a red laser dot on it, the cats hit it. The plan was for the special operators to put their laser designators on al-Baghdadi’s forehead, the cats would do the rest.”

The information about cats being used on the raid was never revealed to the media because, according to sources, “It may compromise ongoing operations”. One high level military insider speaking on condition of anonymity told that, “If we ever raid a terrorist sofa factory, we’re going with the cats instead of the dogs. The dogs would just lay on the sofas, the cats would shred the place.”


By Tom Demerly for

Let’s talk strategy. Real strategy. Erwin Rommel, Sun Tzu, Ho Chi Minh, Robin Olds, James Mattis style strategy. True strategy. The subversive, sneaky, calculating, genius kind. The kind you don’t learn in your fourth year at West Point or Annapolis. This is the kind you learn in the Mekong Delta, Fallujah, Mogadishu, El Alamein, Stalingrad.

If we (collectively) are the President, what do we want? One word: Reelection. So, how do we get it? This is on page one: we need a diversion.

We need to divert the attention of our primary adversaries, in this case the Democrats, from the Presidential reelection campaign. How do we do it? We need a scandal. A good one too. And it needs to be timed to perfection. Timed so well that the accelerating rotation of the news cycle grabs this scandal, “investigates” it, reports on it, grinds it into the news everywhere we look.

The scandal is the feint, the false front. This is the “breakthrough” we want all the Democrats to pour their troops into. There is risk, as with all warfare, because this scandal could very well manifest into a real problem for the President. But risk is inherent in battle, and to prevail, we must endure risk.

So, we continue this ruse. Buy into it. Feed it. Perpetuate it. A scandal! A scandal! And it goes around and around and around.

Meanwhile, the clock ticks inexorably toward election day, now 396 days away. Recent history and hard data tells us this scandal will occupy headlines for… 7 days. Secretive think tank analyst Nieman Labs (I know, you haven’t heard of them) says that recurrent news topics like the current Ukraine scandal may have a reciprocating effect that could recycle up to… 42 days maximum. That leaves us 354 days from the election.

This dramatic feint also leaves the Democratic opposition drained of resources and credibility for failing to consolidate their impeachment plans. Almost exactly 1 year to the day before Americans go to the polls, the Democratic opposition has been drained of vigor and fight and credibility by yet another presidential scandal that was somehow diffused. The Democrats have egg on their face, the President has a smirk on his. Again.

And the Democrats remain divided and contentious at a time when they need to be united and focused on the next Presidency. Instead of talking about the policy opportunities they could promote and exploit in this next election, like the environment and equal rights, they are scope-locked on their own differences and on the many foibles of the current administration.

The Democrats are so busy pointing out what is wrong with the current administration they forget to build a better one to replace it.

And so, they lose.